I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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