you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
