Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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