The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
