I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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