you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
