Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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