WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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