I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
