My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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