Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
