i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
