So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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