I'm really into asian looking animals
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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