i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
