i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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