I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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