Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
