Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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