im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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