Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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