Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
