guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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