I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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