Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Enjoy the penises
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
