im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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