just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Let's get the cat blown out
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
