It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
