It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
