I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
sarcasm needs its own font
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
