1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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