You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
