Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
