I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
