11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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