I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
he thought i was a dude.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
