Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
