Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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