Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
