God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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