Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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