I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
