The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
