If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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