So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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