it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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