i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
