Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
two words: eviction party
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
