Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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