where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
